Authors; azzy & erestorjunkie
Title; Play dead.
Warnings: Language, crack, smut.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.
Maedhros just stood and stared as Haldir hurried off into the back of the cave. He turned to Elladan, "Aren't you going after him?" He asked surprised. An awkward smile crossed his lips as he saw the twins in deep conversation, which no one else was invited to. Amrod and Amras had been like that too, like they had something with each other that no one else understood or shared. Maedhros shrugged "Suppose I can take one for the team." He mumbled making his way down the bottom of the cave, ignoring the glares. Haldir was gone when he got there, and Erestor seemed to sleep again, maybe Erestor just had a nightmare or something. Maedhros frowned at the state of Erestor, this shell was a far cry from the inviting Erestor he had met in Rivendell, but it was not something he hadn't seen before. He had seen sane elves succumb to madness, elves falling ill and die within days. This was nothing special, still he worried. He left and searched for Haldir.
He found him in the nook of a smaller cave in the cave system, Maedhros leaned up at the side of the cave, staring down at the silent elf that was sitting with his back to the opening, and had not noticed he had company. "You're a hard elf to find Marchwarden." Maedhros said with a smile.
"Fuck off." Haldir growled.
"Not happening." Maedhros said covering the distance between them, gingerly sitting himself down next to Haldir. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry about this whole clusterfuck".
"Why are you here?" Haldir asked tired, wiping his eyes annoyed, glaring at Maedhros' surprisingly soft green ones.
"You know why." Maedhros answered, he leaned back and rested his head against the cave wall. "Shit, I would blow a pirate with gangrene for a drink, right about now."
Haldir sighed, "No I mean, here -here-." He gestured at the room. "We aren't friends."
"Because we have our differences, you think I don't care?" Maedhros said, "I do." He leaned forward leaning his elbows on his knees. "He doesn't deserve your tears, he abandoned you. Love is a gift that you can't return to sender if you suddenly grow tired of the flavor."
Haldir raised an eyebrow, not expecting something like that could even come over Maedhros' lips, but the red haired elf looked dead serious. "I suppose you're right." Haldir admitted with a little hesitation, "I don't know what I feel. Part of me is happy he is alive, another part of me wants to feed him to the hungry dead, and a part of me is upset that I even care."
"He is an idiot to walk out on you." Maedhros said with a little charming smile.
"Just don't Maddy... Now is not the time." Haldir sighed, resting his head on his knees again, looking at the wall.
"I didn't mean it like that." Maedhros said softly. "You are brave and true, and a fearless warrior," He grinned, "And hot as fuck." - Haldir didn't answer, so Maedhros slid down on the floor and wrapped an arm around Haldir's shoulders. "Actually you remind me a little of someone I once knew, the most fierce elf I ever met." Maedhros rested his head on Haldir's shoulder. "Yes it bothers me to see you cry over a loser like your husband."
“I really do not know what you are up to, but stop it,” Haldir mumbled into his lap. “You don’t know the whole story; it WAS my fault he left.”
“Mousy little thing like him? I can’t imagine what you did to make him leave. I imagine it must be something really depraved. Children? Pets? Did you try to get him to wear your mother’s dress and play bad boy?” Maddy was just getting into the swing of all the possible fringe sexual acts he could think of when Haldir snapped.
“Leave my mother out this!” Maddy was surprised to see Haldir’s dark eyes flashing with anger in the dim light. “You don’t know anything about that bitch.”
“Whoa!” Maedhros actually took his arm off Haldir’s back and almost scooted back away from the suddenly furious elf. “I was just trying to make you laugh; I didn’t know you had those kinds of issues.”
“What would you know about it?” Haldir said bitterly, losing some of the anger. “You had parents that actually cared about you.”
“You don’t know about that either,” Maddy said, trying not to get angry himself. “The books don’t tell the whole story there either. How about you tell me your story and I will tell you mine.”
“Why would I,” Haldir groused. “You will just turn it against me later. Use it to embarrass me when it is convenient.”
Maedhros actually stopped to consider the statement. “OK, how about I tell you some of my embarrassing past, and THEN you will have dirt on me so I can’t use anything against you.” Haldir just stared at him, and so Maedhros took a deep breath. "I told you that my parents were always really concerned about appearance, proper etiquette and flashing their fantastic life. Everyone in Aman envied them; they had lots of children, a beautiful home, and beautiful horses in their stable and unwavering love for each other. And of course wealth and titles... The shit that success stories are made of. And you're right; my parents loved me in their own way. We kids were downright dead afraid of our grandfather, the high king, he was one scary motherfucker. Old stuffy and always barking commands at you." Maedhros sighed again, "All this came with a price, and I can already hear you go 'oh poor little rich kid', but money isn't everything. My parents had such high expectations to each of us, their sons that we could never ever live up to them. I tried I really did, and I know we all did, we all just wanted to see that proud smile on Fëanor's lips and hear some praising words. More often you met the back of his hand though. And my mother didn't care; she would have to actually be emotionally engaged in someone who's not her, to care. She was more busy with perfecting her garden than with looking at her sons... We were just -expected- to do right."
"So when you took the oath?" Haldir asked with a disappearing voice.
"It was because I knew it was expected of me." Maedhros whispered back, "And I can say the same of my brothers, we just wanted to make him proud, crazy huh?" They sat in silence for a while, "Fingon was just about the only thing that made sense, and he was... everything that I am not. And... and... He was always there to keep me sane, and I asked myself over and over if I had ventured into enemy territory alone, searching for him, I am... I am not so sure. Maybe I would?" He looked directly at Haldir with a sad but serious expression, "He was always the brave one, he was calm and collected," He smiled a little "And fierce." Maedhros raked his hand through his hair, "He taught me to fight with my left hand, the patience he needed for that is astronomical, he loved me, and I loved him like I never loved anything in this world. You know the story I suppose, I repaid his unselfish love with persuading him to do a crazy attack that no one believed in besides me, and because I did, so did he. And he paid the ultimate prize for it. I let him to his death." Maedhros' voice was muddled and raw. "I collected him from the battlefield and made him a pyre, even if my brothers told me not to, but I couldn't leave him there to rot between those fucking filthy things. And I sorta went off the deep end afterward... I was told that I would just lie in my tent and stare off into nothing, not even my surviving brothers could get through to me. I hated the world, I hated my father for his fucking stupid oath, and I hated myself. And when I returned from my vegetated state, all I wanted was to get my father’s fucking gems so it had not all been in vain. It didn't exactly go down like that now did it? I never found the goddamn things, and I picked up stray kids on the way too."
"Tell me about that?" Haldir whispered, "I always had a hard time imagining Elrond as a child, he was freaking scary."
Maedhros laughed, "What is there to tell? I suppose I spared them for numerous reasons." He closed his eyes, "I killed some other children, and while it bothered me every time, it was a necessary evil, I don't know... It made sense at the time. And when Maglor yelled at me, I froze and looked down at those two. And they had the same huge gray questioning eyes as Fingon, I... I just couldn't do it. I don't know if the Valar was being funny that I lost my own brothers in that battle, loose a pair of twins, gain a pair of twins. I don't really know what kind of parent I was, not much of anything I suspect. Maglor doted on those two little fuckers. I suppose I was more busy with planning war." Maedhros smiled, "I do remember Elrond he would sneak into my study and just sit there and watch me until he fell asleep in a chair, and I would sometimes run a hand over his hair, asking myself if these children were my chance of redeeming myself, until I asked a servant to carry the child to his bed that is. I was a horrible parent, emotionally crippled and crude, never once caring about their education or anything really. They were young elves, barely through childhood when I realized that I was exactly the same as my own father. Elrond and Elros would try and impress me with their skills, just to hear me praise them or correct them, anything to get my attention." Pain flashed in Maedhros green eyes, "And that was when I sent them away. I couldn't live with what they told me about myself."
"As far as I know, Elrond always had high regards of you." Haldir said soothingly.
"I didn't deserve that." Maedhros admitted. "I was a terrible war lord, a shitty king, and an even worse parent. Yup my achievements are many." He laughed bitterly.
"But you had Fingon." Haldir whispered.
"Yeah well, some things aren't in the history books. Some stories are just better off without its end." Maedhros cringed. "He would visit me in prison for a long time; he would always come on the same day of the week, at a specific time. One day he didn't come, and I sat there and waited until I was guided back to my cell, the next two times the same thing happened, and I admit that I cried bitter tears, I didn't understand why he would leave me behind like that. This guard noticed that I was sulking week after week and he told me that it happened all the time, that your spouse or lover would leave you because the outlook was too bleak, to be married to someone you can never hold - Is just too hard. But I wouldn't listen, I was sure that Fingon was not like that, what we had was different, it was true as the song of Eru. 'cept this little voice nagging in the back of my head wouldn't leave me alone. And when I paced long days alone in my cell, I let that voice whisper to me. I would only be let out once a month to talk to anyone else, even the guards were forbidden to speak to me."
Haldir just looked at Maedhros with sad eyes.
"Anyway one day Fingon came back, and while he seemed his normal self, and he was happy to see me, his excuse for standing me up was stupid. At the time I didn't think a whole lot of it, I just thought that it was plausible that he might have been sent on some business far away. But his visits got more and more irregular, until one day where he sat me down and told me that he couldn't do this anymore, he had married this elf and they even adopted some orphan or some shit, they even thought about returning to middle earth and all. I suppose he tried to redeem himself in the eyes of the elven community, he was perhaps fed up with being the mad elf’s lover? I don't know. But what I know is that when he left that day, he never came back. And I was left to mourn him once more. Eventually I stopped thinking of him in present, and just remembered him as he was. You have no idea how hard that is, not to live in the past, when you have nothing but your own mind to keep you company. Sometimes I would knock myself out against the wall, just so I could sleep my time away." Maedhros grinned sheepishly, clearly embarrassed. "Isolation plays tricks on your mind; it's a fate worse than death." Maedhros looked away sporting a weak blush, "Imagine having nothing but time and silence. After a while your world boils down to your regrets and your happiest moments, have you ever wondered about that you never know which is which, as it happens, but years later it comes back to taunt you?"
"I know what it is like to replay good moments over and over, wondering how you went from there to here." Haldir admitted.
Maedhros nodded, "If nothing else, then this trip has given me something else to occupy my mind with, when I go back." His voice disappeared to a whisper.
"Go back?" Haldir asked frowning, "Surely you...”
"I asked for freedom for my family." Maedhros whispered, "Not for myself."
"So you go back to prison when we arrive at Aman?" Haldir asked, surprised to hear that Maedhros could be able of such an unselfish deed, he didn't exactly strike him as a self
"I do." Maedhros leaned against Haldir again, "And I understand that Fingon couldn't wait forever, and promises of eternity are easy to make, when you don't know what eternity holds. I am not bitter anymore, I just hope he is happy, and maybe I sorta wish that he would come see me though." He placed a hand on top of Haldir's arm. "Would you - would you perhaps write me when we get home? I mean just once in a while to let me know how you are doing? I can't promise you I will write back, but it would be nice to know that someone... I don't know... Someone to remind me of life outside." He paused, "You see I have no windows, and no one to talk to besides myself. So if you would maybe tell me about what you are up to, I could imagine that instead?" For a second Maedhros looked a little worried and terribly vulnerable, "I'm not freaking you out, am I?"
"So that is your secret, huh?" Haldir asked softly with the hint of a smile. "You are lonely."
"I suppose so." Maedhros admitted and then smiled embarrassed again, "Yeah you're right. I am." They sat for a short moment in silence again, until Maedhros asked "So are you gonna tell me why the idiot out there, let someone like you slide?"
Haldir gave Maddy a shy smile and shrugged, not sure he really wanted to tell the elf beside him. “I made a mistake,” Haldir admitted. “I thought I could change him.”
Maddy just waited patiently for Haldir to go on. After a few awkward moments, Haldir took a deep breath and continued.
“My mother was not exactly mother of the year, any year.” He mumbled bitterly. “She drank, she slept with men and elves, and she didn’t care enough about us to make sure those pieces of shit she brought home weren’t hurting us.”
Maddy started to get a bad feeling about where this was going. “What about your father, surely he had an opinion about her letting their sons see this kind of behavior.”
“I am sure he would have, if he had still been alive.” Haldir picked up a small pebbled and tossed it against the wall, trying to act nonchalant. “In fact, it was his death that she used as an excuse to start acting like a common whore.”
“Wait, back up,” Maddy interrupted. “What happened to your father? You are not old enough for him to have died in one of the larger wars.”
“Yeah, that.” Haldir stalled again. There was a reason he didn’t like to talk about this. “Don’t really know what happened, we never found out. They found his body near the river. Well, what was left of him,” The light haired elf took a shaky breath. “I was only about 15 at the time, too small to really understand what was happening, and of course, no one wanted to say anything in front of me, but I heard enough.” He shifted uncomfortably.
“They found his head at the top of a tree, and his liver in a cave near the water. Some parts were never found.” He shrugged. The actual death of his father had long since ceased making him feel sad, it was so long ago that he almost didn’t remember the elf. It was the gruesome details that made him feel so terrible about it. At times, he almost understood why his mother went mad, but then he remembered those horrible hairy men trying to… He stopped that train of thought. Rumil had been OK. He and Orophin had got there in time.
Maddy was still being quiet, which was a small miracle. “She started drinking that day, and by the end of the year, she had a new lover. A pathetic excuse for an elf. He spent as much time trying to corner me as he did in her bed.” He stopped again, praying Maddy would not ask him to actually say it.
“Did he…?” It seems even the Feanorian was not willing to say it.
“Yeah, a few times,” Haldir blushed and made sure not to look at Maedhros. “She knew about it, but never did anything to stop him. She actually told me to shut up about it, because if I made him mad, he might leave her.”
“He is probably Orophin’s father. But it might have been the one after. She never let her bed get cold, or her bottle empty. You would be surprised how many men and elves are willing to fuck a drunk bitch with a couple little kids.” Maddy gave a snort.
“Probably not. The number of depraved and worthless elves and men is limitless.”
“Yeah, well, it was surprising to me. Every night, I would lay there and try to hold my breath hoping they would forget about me. Once Orophin was born, I hid him under the bed so they might forget about him.” Now he was about to cry again.
“Sometimes it didn’t work. He could barely talk the first time one of those bastards grabbed him from under the bed and took him away. When I finally got him back he cried for two days.” Haldir had to fight down a gag. It was one of his least favorite memories, the poor terrified, hurt elfling sobbing in his arms because his own mother let this happen to him. He hadn’t been able to help Orophin, but they tried to make sure it never happened to Rumil.
Maedhros was silent. He had no idea what to say, he couldn’t even think of a snarky remark. This was even worse than he had thought.
“She got so bad near the end, she had so many different lovers, and we actually thought Rumil was half human for almost 10 years. We are pretty sure he is…was a full elf.” He felt a little stab of guilt at the reminder that he had not been there for his brothers at the end of their lives.
“Well, I can see where you might have a few issues, but why would that twat over there get so bent out of shape he would run off to this hell hole?” He indicated the dank cave they were huddled in. Some time while they had talked snow had started to fall and white flakes sifted in through the flimsy barricade.
“I was really crazy for him,” Haldir admitted. “We were in Imladris as a guard for the lord and lady. They were there to see their grandsons and all three of us went with them.” He gave a sad smile.
“He was Erestor’s assistant. He was assigned the task of making sure all of the guards were given rooms. He showed me to a room to share with my brothers, but I never spent a single night there.”
“I never went home either. When it came time for the party to leave, I opted to stay with Melpomaen. We got married almost immediately. I didn’t want to wait; I had never had a lover before and wanted to be with him all the time.” He blushed again.
“Never marry your first lover,” Maddy tried to lighten the mood a little. “That always ends in tears.”
“Tell me about it,” Haldir admitted bitterly. “I really should have got to know him better before we got married, but I was so head over heels, I didn’t notice.”
“Notice what?” Maddy decided to bite once Haldir was quiet for a long time.
“I noticed that he was too much like my mother. He liked to drink, a lot, and after only a few months, started trying to get me to let him bring others into our bed. It just reminded me of growing up and the endless parade of disgusting creeps coming in and out of my mother’s room.”
“I tried to convince him to stop it, but when I refused to play, he just went out and started sleeping around without me.” He found another pebble, tossed it and watched as it bounced off a few rocks before coming back to rest at his feet. “Everyone knew. They couldn’t stop talking about it.”
“We fought about it constantly, he reminded me how dull I was, and how I wasn’t willing to let him have fun since I wasn’t able to have any fun myself.”
“We hadn’t even shared a room for months before he left. The Mirkwood elves left and he left with them. I had to find out from someone else that he had gone and who he left with.”
"He never hurt you, did he?" Maedhros asked softly.
Only my pride." Haldir sighed.
"The lord and lady.." Maedhros snickered, "You do realize that she is my snotnosed cousin, don't you? Tough I wouldn't advise you to piss her off while she is close to something pointy" When Haldir just smiled, Maedhros continued, "She once stabbed me with a pen because I cut off one of her braids."
Haldir's eyes went large and then he laughed, "You cut off one of Lady Galadriel's braids?"
"Dude.. it was retribution for the snake she had put in my bed." Maedhros chuckled.
Haldir shook his head having a hard time to imagine either elves as children.
"Look Haldir, I might not be the smartest elf around, but.."
"Spare me your bullshit about being a better person, please Maddy." Haldir sighed.
"How the fuck do you know what I was about to say." MAedhros huffed, pulling Haldir closer. "You want me to go kick his ass?"
Haldir laughed so his entire body shook. "No.." He managed to croak out, "But thanks for the offer."
"Anytime." Maedhros said with a straight face, not quite sure what was so funny.